What I Never Had
by Ivyshade
Summary: Once, I was a she-cat in love, praying and hoping that one day my love would be returned. Now I walk the darkest corners of the sky where no star dare shine.
1. Prologue and Allegiances

Prologue/Allegiances

My name is Rainsong. And I'm trapped in the Dark Forest. I didn't do anything too bad, honest! I'm innocent! I was falsely accused! No? You don't buy that? Well, fine! I may have done one or two _minor_ things. StarClan can be so harsh. I mean, really? One or two misdemeanors and I get dumped into this wretched forest with its toxic smells, gnarled, leaveless trees, and hideous inhabitants, with the exception of myself, of course. Okay, okay, I'm not gorgeous, but I look better than most of the cats here!

By now you're probably thinking, "what could she have done to end up in the Dark Forest?" And if you weren't thinking that, too bad! I'm telling you either way! It was all my fish-brained sister's fault! If she had just back offed, none of this would've happened. If he had only loved me... Things could have been so much different. Of course this story is about a tom. It always is.

One-sided love is what this is all about. Unrequited love. Unwanted love. The worst kind of love. I was a good she-cat, a complete goody two shoes. The kind that got up before the dawn patrol to squeeze in some extra practice or to go hunting for the Clan. A deep purr rumbles in my throat thinking of that she-cat. She was from another lifetime ago, considering I'm dead now, but apart of me all the same. They all have me pictured as some villain. I'm the one that they tell their kits stories about. The big, bad Rainsong. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

My story has been told for more moons than I care to count, a cautionary tale to young she-cats about what happens when you love too much. But let me tell you, the story gets wilder with each telling. First they told half the truth, then a quarter of the truth, then mouse droppings of the truth and a whole bunch of lies. The only thing they get right about me nowadays is my name. No, forget I said that. An elder was telling the story to some kits the other day and he called me Ratsong.

No more half-truths, no more lies. I'll tell you what really happened, from the beginning. Right when mama was giving birth. You know what, perhaps we'll skip that part. At the end of the story, you tell me if I'm some villainous wretch who deserves the Dark Forest. Make sure you pay close attention now because I don't like repeating myself!

* * *

 **RiverClan**

 **Leader** : Streamstar- silver tabby she-cat with blue eyes

 **Deputy** :Willowpool- gray-and-white she-cat

 **Medicine cat** : Snowyheart- white she-cat

 **Warriors** : Breezefeather- dark gray tom with golden eyes

Minnowsplash- gray she-cat with blue eyes

Troutleap- light brown tabby tom

Apprentice, Puddlepaw

Hawkflight- dark brown tabby tom with amber eyes

Dawnlight- cream-coloured she-cat with green eyes

Duskcloud-black tom with amber eyes

Cedarshade- dark gray tom with green eyes

Wolfgrowl- gray tom with blue eyes

Apprentice, Flowerpaw

Waspwing- tortoiseshell she-cat

Leopardheart- dappled golden tabby she-cat with amber eyes

Apprentice, Bearpaw

Mistywater- blue-gray she-cat

Silversky- silver tom with blue eyes

 **Queens** : Goldenleaf- golden tabby she-cat with green eyes (mother to Sunnykit, a golden tabby tom with amber eyes and Shellkit, a dark brown tabby tom with green eyes)

Tigerlily- tortoiseshell she-cat with golden eyes (mother to Rainkit, a long-furred gray tabby she-cat with blue eyes and Stormykit, a dappled silver she-cat with green eyes)

 **Apprentices** : Bearpaw- dark brown tom with amber eyes

Flowerpaw- ginger she-cat with blue eyes

Puddlepaw- gray-and-white she-cat

 **Elders** : Shrewflight- dark brown tabby tom

Reedfeather- red tabby she-cat with blue eyes

Whisperfoot- black she-cat with amber eyes


	2. Chapter 1: The Three of Us

Chapter 1: The Three of Us

"Where were you, Silversky? You said you would be here a little after sundown." I woke to the sound of my mother's accusing voice. There was an indent in the nest where she had been lying not too long before. The mossy nest felt cold and empty without her, even though Stormykit was right beside me. I listened to her gentle snoring and watched the rise and fall of her tiny silver body. She was lost in sleep, completely oblivious to what was going on beyond the nursery walls.

"I was out hunting." His reply came too soon. It was a prepared lie.

"Who hunts at moonhigh?"

"I do."

"You were out with Leopardheart, weren't you?" Every cat in the Clan knew about my father's... "misdeeds." My mother, Tigerlily, was unfortunate enough to fall in love with a tom that could never be faithful.

"And what if I was?" I could sense the annoyance in his voice, the indifference behind his words. I hate my father for the way he so openly disrespectes my mother, and how he treats Stormykit and I. And I am never shy about letting him know it. He rarely ever comes to see us. And if he does, he hardly speaks more than five words to us. We learned a long time ago not to place too much faith in him. The outcome was always disappointment. I just wish my mother would learn that too.

"You fox-heart! You told me that your "thing" with Leopardheart was over! You said that your family was all that mattered to you now!" Tigerlily's voice conveyed her emotions of anger, desperation, and sadness. I couldn't help but feel irritated with my mother's naivety. Tigerlily would often get fed up with Silversky and tell him it's over. Then the next day, he would apologize and tell her he loved her. He would say all the things a she-cat wanted to hear. My mother always fell for it. I could never understand why.

"Quit being so dramatic. You're gonna wake the kits with all that yelling," Silversky hissed.

"Oh, so now you care about them! If we meant something to you, you would be there for us! You only love us when it's convenient." He doesn't love us at all, I thought to myself. When Tigerlily spoke again, her voice trembled with emotion. "Do you really think Leopardheart loves you? Because I know she doesn't. Not the way I do. Why would you throw that away?" Her voice dropped to a soft whisper and I could hardly hear her. "How could you throw that away?" I felt my heart break for my mother. She didn't deserve this. Nobody did.

"It isn't what you're thinking it is!"

"Then what is it?"

Suddenly, I heard rustling towards the back of the nursery. A pair of large, leafy-green eyes stared back at me. "They at it again?" Goldenleaf mewed, her speech slurred with drowsiness. I nodded. She sighed and beckoned to me with her golden tabby tail. "Sounds like it's gonna be a rough night. You can sleep in my nest." When our parents fought, Stormykit and I would often go to Goldenleaf for comfort and she would let us sleep in her nest. It was always crowded because she had two kits of her own, Sunnykit and Shellkit. They were older than us by a moon and they made sure we never forgot it. The five of us would squeeze into one nest. I didn't mind that it was overcrowded. It was warm, cozy, and it made me feel safe. I climbed into the nest and Goldenleaf wrapped her tail around me, bringing me closer. She was soft and she smelled sweet, kind of like honey. I watched the golden queen slowly drift off again.

The fight between my parents was still going on outside the nursery. I began counting mice in my head so I wouldn't have to listen.

 _One, two, three..._

"I can't stand you."

 _Four, five, six..._

"I hate you!"

 _Seven, eight, nine..._

"I'm leaving!"

 _Ten, eleven, twelve..._

"It's what you do best!"

 _Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen..._

"Listen... Tigerlily, I-"

 _Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen..._

"Why don't you go have kits with Leopardheart? Oh, I forgot, you're barely a father to the ones you have now!"

By mouse eighty-three I had fallen asleep.

* * *

"Get up, sleepyhead!" I felt tiny, sharp claws poke my ribs.

"Go away, Stormykit," I mumbled half-heartedly, and withdrew deeper into the comfy, warm nest.

"It's Sunnykit, the most handsome of all the toms!" He declared and leapt on top of me, nearly crushing all my bones. The nerve of that tom.

"Don't flatter yourself, fishface! You look about as great as Shrewflight's teeth." This was untrue. Sunnykit was actually very handsome, by most she-cats standards. But he always too cocky, too sure of himself. Someone needed to take him down a peg. And if that had to be me, so be it.

"Ouch," he muttered, feigning hurt. "Another she-cat playing hard to get. One day, you're gonna admit that I'm handsome, and when that day comes, you know what I'm gonna say?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Nothing, because it's never gonna happen?"

"I'll say, "I told you so!" The golden tabby tom haughtily puffed out his chest and held his head high.

"Ugh, get a nest," I mewed, twisting free of him. I looked around the nursery, which was relatively empty, save for Tigerlily who was curled into a tight ball asleep in her nest. She was probably up all night arguing with that fish-brained idiot Silversky. I wanted to talk to her, but I decided to let her sleep. Unlike Sunnykit, I had manners.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked, turning to Sunnykit.

"It's sunhigh," he said, "they're out doing productive things while you sleep all day."

I scoffed at that. "We're talking about two kits and a queen. How productive can they possibly get?"

"You'd be surprised. Goldenleaf took them to the pond. They're trying to catch minnows."

"What?! You guys went without me?!" I exclaimed, feeling hurt and betrayed. "How could you?"

"Drama queen," Sunnykit mused, smiling. I stiffened. Silversky said something similar to Tigerlily last night. Were my mother and I really so alike? I decided to just play along. Sunnykit didn't mean it like that and I didn't want to take it too personal.

"Oh, how can I go on? I don't think I'll ever forgive you!" I declared, dropping to the ground, pretending to be faint.

Sunnykit purred loudly. "Get up, fish-breath, before we miss out on more." I quickly rose to my paws and dashed out of the nursery, Sunnykit right on my heels.

I don't have fish-breath, by the way," I called huffily over my shoulder.

"Uh-huh."

"I don't!"

It was a beautiful day. The sun sat high among the large, fluffy clouds, and the birds chirped overhead. I could feel the sun's rays reaching out to me, warming my fur. The RiverClan camp was bustling with activity. Willowpool, the deputy, was assigning the patrols, Hawkflight, Dusckloud, and Dawnlight were sharing a large trout underneath the shade of a beech tree, and all of the elders were outside their den sharing tongues. We raced through the camp, almost bumping into several cats, which we got firm warnings and stern looks for. Not that we cared.

I could see Goldenleaf, Stormykit, and Shellkit, and the pond's glistening surface. I picked up my pace. The pond was coming into full view and as I tried to slow down, I tripped over my own paws and landed right into the pond. As I felt the cold water hit my pelt, I tensed up and shivered. Luckily, the pond was rather shallow. I could see and feel tiny silver fish underneath my paws. As my head rose to the surface, I could feel something strange on top of it. I panicked and fervently shook my head. A water lily landed with a splash beside me.

Sunnykit and Stormykit were laughing their tails off while Goldenleaf and Shellkit looked concerned. I felt my pelt heat up with an embarrassment that even the freezing pond couldn't cool. I was gonna have to play this off. "Are you okay, Rainkit?" Goldenleaf mewed.

"Of course I am! I meant to do that. It's called making an entrance." I said this with as much confidence as I could muster, which was very little.

"If that was the goal then you certainly succeeded," Stormykit meowed through fits of laughter. I felt my pelt prickle with annoyance and I glared at her, but she was too busy laughing with Sunnykit to notice. Goldenleaf hauled me out of the pond by my scruff. My long fur was plastered to my body and this made me feel smaller than I already was. I shook my myself and water droplets flew everywhere. I tried my best to regain my composure. I sighed. I'm never gonna be able to live this down.

"Hey, it was a pretty cool entrance," Shellkit said in my defense. I flashed him a grateful look. He knew that the whole entrance thing was a cover up and here he was trying to help me save face. Out of all the kits, I found him the least annoying.

"Shellkit, why don't you go over what I taught you with Rainkit?" Goldenleaf suggested, trying to divert form the situation. Shellkit took me to far side of the pond and stood towards the edge. "Just watch what I do," he mewed. He began to watch the waters intently, silent and unmoving. When a minnow finally swam toward him, he reacted quickly. He reached down and hooked it with his claw, bringing to the surface. The small silver fish flopped up and down on the damp grass. Shellkit quickly turned and delivered a killing bite. I couldn't help but feel impressed. "Wow, Shellkit! That was pretty good!"

"Thanks, it took a lot of practicing. Why don't you give it a try?" I hesitantly approached the edge of the pond. I turned back and Shellkit smiled encouragingly. "Don't worry, if you fall in again, we can always come up with another cover story." I looked down and drew in a shaky breath. StarClan, don't let me fall again.

* * *

Hunting at the pond turned out to be a bust, I didn't catch a single minnow. It made feel better that none of the other kits had either. It was especially satisfying watching Mr. I'm-so-amazing fail too. Shellkit tried to cheer us up by telling us it required a lot of practice, but I found that strange. When did he ever practice? I've never seem him do it before.

"Hey, are you listening?" Stormykit's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"What?"

She heaved a loud sigh. "You never listen, Rainkit."

"Probably because nothing you say is ever important," I replied snarkily. I instantly begun to feel bad because I realized my words were kind of harsh. In an attempt to cover my tracks, I offered a sly grin so she would think I had been joking. I don't know if she fell for it or just decided to go along with it, either way, she smiled back at me. "I said we should go explore the medicine cat's den."

"What's so great about the medicine cat's den? There's nothing in there but a bunch of stinky leaves," I meowed, baffled by my sister's idea. "You know what we should do? We should go take a look at Streamstar's den."

She looked at me as if I had grown a second head. "Are you crazy? Do you know what'll happen to us if we get caught?"

I shrugged. "We're kits, all we have to do is say we didn't know any better."

"Reedfeather said Streamstar eats kits who don't behave," Stormykit whispered, her green eyes wide with fear. When I stared blankly at her, she added, " _Alive_. She eats them alive. It's a slow, painful death."

"Oh yeah? Does she fly and shoot water from her paws too?" I said mockingly, my voice laced with sarcasm. Of course my sister, being the fish-brain that she is, took me quite seriously.

"Reedfeather didn't say that, but anything is possible, Rainkit."

"You know what, fine! We'll go to the stupid medicine cat's den." I rose to my paws and veered away from the pond, stomping in the direction of the medicine cat den. On my way there, I saw Sunnykit and Shellkit playing a game with their father, Hawkflight. They left after our failed hunting session to go see their father. We were invited, but we declined the offer. We didn't want to intrude and be the kits that were invited out of pity.

The two toms clambered on top of their father as he fell to the ground, surrendering himself to their mercy. I couldn't help my curiosity or ignore my feelings of envy. I watched them for a moment and wondered what it would be like to have a father to play with. Stormykit came to a stop beside me. "You think about what it would it be like, don't you?" She seemed to have read my mind.

I feigned ignorance and replied, "think about what what's like?"

"Wonder what it would be like if Silversky actually cared enough." Stormykit's voice was bitter, yet her eyes grew wistful. I begun to feel something strange stir within me. A very strong want... a craving. For what, I didn't know. I tried my best to push the feeling away. "We don't need him anyway. It's always been just you, me, and Tigerlily. We're better off just the three of us," I said.

"Yeah," she meowed, and after a while, she started to smile. "Just the three of us." I flashed her a mischievous grin, this time a genuine one, and bolted for the medicine cat den.

"Last one there is a stinky badger!" I declared, already half-way there.

"You snake!" Stormykit protested, desperately trying to catch up.

I found myself purring the whole way there. I may not have a dad, but as long as I have my mother and sister, I'll be alright.


End file.
